The Evangelist’s Mountain View Point on: Marital Communication

The Challenges of Communication in Marriage

One of the greatest challenges in marriage is communication irregardless to how long you’ve been married. You and your spouse stood before the church, or before the judge and the preacher. You repeated your vows one to another. You exchanged your rings and if you had a fancy wedding you lit the unity candles and were melodiously serenaded by a wedding singer. You were then pronounced as man and wife and told to salute one another with a kiss. You then kiss the lips that would be responsible for communicating things that bring you up and down or not communicating things at all. Time passes by. You spend more time together. The rice and flowers fade. The wedding has ended and now the marriage is in full force. You used to be able to talk for hours on the phone prior to getting married. Now your communication is minimal or if it is existent it only serves to wedge you both further apart. Why does this happen? Why is communication one of the first things to fade in a marriage? What are some healthy and unhealthy ways to communicate? What are some differences between men and women in the area of communication? What are some ways to creatively resurrect dead communication in a marriage? I will attempt to discuss some of these things in this article in the ultimate hope that solutions can be explored and applied in the marriages of those whose happiness is obstructed by poor communication.

I - When the issue is not the “what” but the “how”

“Are you cooking dinner tonight?” he asks, “I took some meat down, okay!!!!” “Why did you think I took it down?!!!” she irritably replies. On the outset it may not seem like there was anything wrong with her response to his question. However, what you can’t hear in this article with the naked ear is that her voice is elevated and it is saturated with sarcasm. In and of itself there was nothing wrong with what she said but it was how it was said that qualifies it as poor communication. Sarcasm, a form of mockery, is a passive-aggressive way of expressing anger. When a woman uses sarcasm with her husband it can be a very belittling experience for him. This is NOT okay. It is NOT a good practice to use sarcasm as a way to communicate. Neither is raising your voice as if to yell. When a husband feels derided on by his wife he may inwardly and secretly resent her for the way her communication makes him feel. Without knowing it, she burns the bridge of communication that she may soon have to cross. He may not say anything, but inwardly he may see her as a “hag with a nag”. With this happens he may look for alternatives to conversing with her lest his questions are met with sarcasm and hostility. This kind of communication can happen for so long that it can begin to seem “normal”. She may ask, “what was wrong with how I said that?”. She will begin to lose her sense of reason and her objectivity. She may then fully embrace that way of communication even to the point of assuming that the problem is with her husband’s level of sensitivity and not her poor communication. When these thinking disorders solidify it may become even harder for the situation to change. The bible has something to say about the “how” of communication that is just as applicable to marriage as it is in general. Solomon says “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grevious words stir up anger.” Proverbs 15:1. Look at this same text in a simpler version. “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare” Proverbs 15:1 (NLT). Wives…practice saying things in ways that do not belittle or debase your husband. After all, he’s your husband not your son. “Well if he starts acting like a man I will talk to him as a man”, you may be thinking. Well tell me… how much experience has the Lord given you in being a man? If you’re not careful to change your manner of communication you may find that you solidify in your ways. When this happens then the scripture will be fulfilled that says…. It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house (Proverbs 21:9). Let’s look at the same text from a few simpler versions…

It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home. (The New Living Translation)

It is better to live in a corner on the roof than inside the house with a quarreling wife. (The New Century Version)

Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse. (The Message)

So, wives and soon to be wives… try not to communicate in a way that makes the housetop a good idea, or that turns the attic into a refuge or a shack into a peaceful getaway. (smile)

Continued on next blog.

J.K. Hamilton